too many ?uestions

It's very difficult to Prepare Yourself for an adventure of the sort I'm about embark on. I can take care of as many of the logistical details as I can dream up – budgeting, insurance, communication, accommodation – but these necessary arrangements are almost besides the point; there are so many other questions that keep me up at night: How will I feel when I step into the Sinikithemba Clinic and am immediately face to face with the HIV pandemic that I've only read about it in books and articles? Will I be identified on the street as being American or white South African? Will I feel safe? Will I actually BE safe? How will I meet the people that I will eventually spend time with?

Obviously, these are questions that I can't answer from the comforts of New York City; the answers will all be revealed eventually, and probably not in any explicit way. Maybe imagining these possible circumstances acts as a sort of mental preparation, but I know that there are going to be situations in SA that I am wholly unprepared for. And that's what adventure is all about.

If that sounds melodramatic, I hope you don't fault me for it too much. When I tell people – especially those I'm not particularly close with – about my moving to Africa, their expression changes. Sometimes they get excited, sometimes worried – but almost everyone tells me, in uncharacteristically hushed voices, that it will surely be a Life Changing Experience. It's hard not to get caught up in the moment, thinking about what changes. But then I'm just back where I started, asking more questions without answers.